i started my period yesterday. i am crushed. i can't say i didn't see it coming. by the time friday rolled around, i was pretty sure this wasn't going to be "the" month. i was starting to have some serious symptoms of pms and felt like my period would be coming over the weekend. great news if all i was going for was to get my period without the help of prometrium this month. not so great since i was hoping not to have a period at all. now we start all over again. new round of clomid. more blood work. more "trying" (okay, that part's not so bad haha). it's just really defeating. and of course i can't help but jump to a whole bunch of conclusions. why didn't i get pregnant? is something else wrong with me? is something wrong with chris? did i goof something up? it all seemed like it should have just....happened. i've been struggling with all these crazy feelings--jealousy, envy, confusion, anger, hurt. how is it possible that so many women just accidentally get pregnant with one try that happens to be somewhat close to the day they ovulate? and i tried. and tried. and tried. for several days leading up to the day that my chart shows i ovulated. why is it so hard? and what happens if i doesn't work again this time?
the other frustrating thing about this is now my clomid check window takes place over 4th of july weekend and while i'll be gone for a conference. so now i'm not even sure i can do anything this month. i can go in for lab work but they want to see me (probably) to make sure my ovaries aren't overstimulated. crazy how i could possibly go from inactive to overstimulated in two months. but that's exactly the concern i had with this drug from the get go.
i just need prayer. i need peace. i need to trust and wait on the Lord. even when i don't see, i still need to believe.
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