faith is so hard!

today i am having a particularly tough day. i feel so overwhelmed by thoughts and desires for a baby this week that it is consuming me. literally taking over. i've been so distracted and i feel awful. i think it has part to do with the fact that one of my best friends had her baby on sunday. he is so precious and i really am thrilled for her. it's hard thought because it is a stark reminder that i am the last one without kids. i can still recall conversations with all of my roommates from college about wanting kids and every time we talked about bad timing and finances and wanting to be married for a while before kids. and yet somehow i thought sure i'd be the first with a baby. after all, i got married first. they've all been married 3 years. i was married 5 years ago. and i know, 2 years isn't really that big a deal, but it is to me. i joked when we first got married that we'd wait 5 years to have a baby. i was so not serious! i know that the timing would never have been right before now, with school and all the moving we have done. but i am so ready for a baby and it just kills me to see others getting pregnant all around me. so many are on their SECOND baby already, and i don't even have one. and it's so hard.
i think i'm struggling a bit this week because i feel this intense anticipation and anxiety around whether this round of meds will do anything. i have been taking my pills every day, charting my temps and monitoring my cervical fluid. technically, anytime between yesterday and next tuesday would be optimal for conception. that all assumes i ovulate. i can definitely feel that something is happening in my body. my ovaries have been cramping for 2 days now. i just haven't seen any changes yet. and i'm scared to death i won't. that this will be another failed attempt. that we will have to go through it all again. that it will be one more nail in the coffin i imagine is my ability to conceive. i'm so anxious, and yet i know i shouldn't be and don't need to be. i know that God has this in his sights. that whether we conceive this week or next month or next year or never is in his control. that i am whole and complete without a child and that God has a plan for this. it almost makes me throw up just typing those words. cause i know them to be true but i get a pit in my stomach every time i go there. trusting God with this is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. ever. i need peace.