mother's day...ouch

this weekend is mother's day. and while i should be thinking of all the wonderful things i appreciate about my mother and my mother-in-law (both great women that i deeply admire), all i can think about is how much i want to celebrate mother's day for ME. ugh, that sounds so selfish. truthfully it has nothing to do with wanting to have a day focused entirely on me. i don't care about that. it's the part about having a child. one of my dear friends is going to have a baby any day now. while i am beyond thrilled for her, i feel like it's another reminder of my broken body. seeing photos of her growing belly and knowing that she'll soon be holding a baby in her arms is torturous. i long to experience that feeling.
i go to see my doctor again tomorrow. i am going to tell him that i want to take the next step, whatever that is. i can't wait on this metformin to do something anymore. it's been 4.5 months and i am still not seeing any results. it makes me worry and have crazy ideas about what is going on in my body. i am hoping with all of my being that a change in my meds will make a difference for my system. i don't know how much longer i can wait.
this weekend chris brought up the idea of adoption about a conversation we had with a couple we met at church. she's an adoption social worker and we talked at length with folks about what adoption means for the church. it got us thinking about our own desire to adopt. i've always wanted to adopt, ever since i was very little. but i always thought it would be after i had a child (or two) of my own. this adopted child would be the last child to enter into our family. when chris asked me if i wanted to consider adopting sooner rather than later, i felt like i might throw up. it felt like if i said 'yes' i would be giving up on the longing to have a baby of my own. i wanted to shout at him that i wasn't ready to adopt--it's too soon! i restrained myself, and just told him no. however, it still hurts to think about it. what if we can't have children? are we supposed to start looking at adoption now? how will we know?  all these questions, swirling in my head. makes me dizzy. i'm not ready to go there yet. i just can't.