fear

these last few weeks have been some of the most joyous weeks of my life. finding out we were pregnant was amazing, but sharing it with family and friends--people we love, who have been praying us through this journey--has been incredible. i feel that my joy has been multiplied and i am overwhelmed.
and yet, i still have fears. i have made it through the crucial week--12 weeks. at this point my risk of miscarriage drops to nearly 0%, but i still worry. it's especially hard because i have felt nothing to this point. no morning sickness. no extreme fatigue. no wild mood swings. other than a slightly increased appetite, and tighter fitting pants (which could be explained by my increased food intake), i have very little indication of what's going on inside of me. i find that i have to fight the impulse to call the doctor and beg to have them listen with the doppler. just so i can know. it's a horrible battle that i feel i am waging in my mind. i know it's satan trying to break my trust. i know that the Lord cares for this baby, no matter what the outcome. i long to feel peace rather than being plagued by worry.
i have also been thinking a lot about the future lately. we are beyond excited about this baby, but i can't help but think about the fact that we want more than one child. i hate that i am not content to be thankful for this child and that i am already skipping ahead to the next, but a part of me knows the reality of what our future might be. we may face this struggle again. we may go through agonizing months of waiting, wondering, and hoping for a child. there may be more medications and possibly more involved treatments than this time. not knowing is so hard.
i have had some great conversations with some wonderful Christian women lately, particularly about this subject. i take comfort in two things: i am not the only woman to deal with these issues--there are many out there like me who have struggled and are struggling with infertility; and second, i may not know what the future holds, but i know Who holds the future. i'm nowhere near where i want to be--i continue to pray for peace and try to focus on being thankful for the tremendous blessing we have been entrusted with. i can't wait to meet this baby. only 190 days to go....