A question you just. shouldn't. ask.

there are lots of things we all know you just shouldn't ask women. things like age....weight....cup size. you just don't do it. i don't know where we learn that these subjects are not okay. some of us learn the hard way i'm sure, but most people just know that these are off limits. i'd like to add something to that list of 'taboo' subjects: babies. 

some of the most uncomfortable times i can remember in my five years of married bliss relate to the question of babies. 'when are you guys gonna have a baby? when am i going to be an aunt/grandma/great-grandma? don't you guys want children? what are you waiting for? you know you can't have children forever' yes, i am well aware of the physiological limitations that my reproductive system has, thanks. for a long time, i could answer easily. we want to finish grad school....we want to have a bigger place...we want to enjoy being married for a while. don't get me wrong, it was still frustrating having to field that question. especially when everyone around you has a house, a dog, and a baby...or two. as much as i wanted to be 'settled', i knew we had things to finish first and i was confident that we'd have no problem once we were ready. 

nine months ago, we finally decided we were ready were financially stable wanted to add to our family. after seven months of irregular cycles, negative pregnancy tests, and doctors' skeptical looks/bad advice/wrong treatments, i finally got somewhere. i found a fabulous doctor (you know the kind who spend as must time as you need talking to you and who actually listen) and was diagnosed with PCOS, or poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. 

while this diagnosis was in many ways a blessing, it raised more questions than it provided answers. it also made answering that dreaded baby question so much harder. it wasn't just something i could shrug off with an answer about timing or commitments anymore. suddenly i had this pit in my stomach and i felt like i might as well have a huge sign on my belly that read OUT OF ORDER. the first time i uttered the word infertility, i thought i was going to throw up. infertility. no way. not me. i was not one of those women. and while i know it's not impossible for me to conceive with this condition, the uncertainty seems so final. the cruel irony is though everyone feels it is appropriate to ask pointed questions about why you haven't had babies, you just can't go around talking about infertility. besides making everyone feel incredibly ashamed and uncomfortable for bringing it up, the pitiful looks just reinforce the feelings of emptiness/inadequacy/heartache.  it's almost unbearable.

so, i'm proposing we just add that to the list of things you can't ask. if you've been there, you know. and if you haven't been there, remember that you might not know all the details, so choose your words carefully.