doctor update

I had my appointment yesterday. Beyond the discomfort that is the "annual exam", it was actually a great visit. I was so nervous going into it. I was afraid of what my doctor's recommendations would be. At this point, I knew that the metformin wasn't doing much. I didn't know if it was because I hadn't given it enough time or if it was because it simply wasn't going to do it for me. I was so afraid that the doctor would want to take me to the next level and prescribe Clomid. Thank goodness, he didn't. He actually upped my dosage of metformin. Apparently I was at the lowest dose--in order to minimize side effects, women are usually started out at the lowest dose to test for effectiveness. I just needed more he said. So now I'm taking 1000mg a day instead of 500mg. I'm already noticing some side effects after just one dose (stomach cramps and other lovely GI symptoms). Hopefully those are just temporary. I go back in 2 months to see where I'm at.

My visit yesterday really taught me something about where I'm at mentally and emotionally. I've decided that I really just can't trust myself to make a fully rational decision about this stuff. I think the reason I was so scared about discussing Clomid was because I knew I couldn't really make a fully-informed decision without allowing myself to be run by the emotions that come with desperately wanting a baby. I'm sure it would force my body to ovulate, but is it really the best thing for me? I really don't think so but I also don't know enough right now to make a good decision. It really revealed to me where I'm at with trusting God with this. If I had been given the option to take Clomid yesterday, I feel like I would have been taking the situation into my hands, rushing the process and basically telling God that I didn't want to wait on his timing. And besides that, it would totally have been an affront to all that I've been frustrated with to this point. I don't want some artificial chemical to force something to happen in my body. That doesn't fix the problem. I would have to go through all of this again in a few years if we decided to have other children. So while I feel a little disappointed that we hadn't made progress yet, I'm relieved that I have to wait this time. This waiting is going to be good for me. I need to learn to lean 100% on God and I know I'm not there yet.

On a totally separate note, I had the best nurse yesterday. She was hilarious. She asked what I was doing for birth control and I told that instead we were trying to conceive but that we were having difficulty. She stopped mid-task (she was taking my blood pressure), and threw her hands up in the air to have a moment to "praise Jesus" and remind me that God has got this. Thanks for that great reminder Carol!