in the valley

This week has been really difficult. While the raw feeling of losing Corban has subsided, what remains is this heavy ache. This week I would be into my second trimester. I would have felt the baby move by now. We would be looking forward to finding out whether our baby is a boy or girl in a few weeks. But instead I just feel so empty. It's been helpful to be able to talk with a few friends, but I still feel so reluctant to be open with others. It feels like it would bring me right back to the raw pain of a month ago. I am terrified to be pregnant again, because I can't imagine having to face this again. But part of me just wants to be pregnant as soon as possible so I can forget about the hurt. I feel so frustrated. I have found myself asking God what lessons he could possibly have left to teach us. We were so broken in our struggle to conceive a few years ago. Why must we also endure this loss? I know in my heart that "His ways are not our ways", and I "only know in part", but it sure doesn't make this easier.