Corban

June 25th is a day i won't soon forget. i woke that morning with the familiar feeling of nausea that accompanied my early first trimester when i  was pregnant with simon. having felt off for a few days, i quick peed on a stick to help eliminate the possibility of pregnancy from my mind. i was racing out the door and quick checked the test to find a positive sign. i couldn't believe my eyes. it was my last test so i raced off to my play date and decided i would stop on the way home to grab another to be sure. when that test was also positive, i nearly screamed with joy. i couldn't believe we had gotten pregnant without invasive drugs! let me back up a bit. we decided to try getting pregnant again in January because of all the trouble we'd had trying to get pregnant last time. after 5 months without any signs of fertility, my doctor had me take progesterone to jump start my cycle. whether it was the hormones or the fact that i had just weaned simon, we got pregnant right away. it was joyous. i scheduled an ultrasound to check things out and waited. in the week leading up to the appointment, i was battling great anxiety about the pregnancy. i couldn't shake the fear that i was going to get horrible news from my doctor that day. i prayed earnestly, feeling God was calling me to trust him. then the day before the appointment, i felt the urge to pray a different prayer. i felt a peace and told God that i knew this baby was his, and if he was going to allow us to raise him or her, we'd be thankful. but if that wasn't his plan, we would trust him and be okay. it was the hardest prayer I've ever prayed. i now know God was preparing me for what was to come. the morning of July 8, i went in for my ultrasound. i got to see my precious baby, but by that point God had already taken the baby home. the next week and a half were a blur as we grieved and waited for the inevitable. on Sunday July 21, we drove up to the mountains to plant a tree as a memorial to our baby. at that point we had not yet physically lost the baby-that would come later that night. but we had begun to come to terms with our loss and knew we couldn't just move on without having closure. that evening i experienced labor pains, even though the baby was only 7 weeks along. i endured the physical loss of the child i was carrying. it was both traumatizing and therapeutic. i had very real closure, though the grieving continues. we chose to give the baby a name, even though we didn't know the gender. we named the baby corban, a name which means, "a blessing from God dedicated back to God." it seemed so fitting. we didn't get to enjoy the responsibility of raising this child, but the baby was a blessing nonetheless. so we continue to grieve, and hope that we will someday again experience the joy that comes with welcoming a child into the world.