Today it hurts

today feels harder for some reason. not sure why. could be cause i spent all afternoon yesterday playing with my two favorite girls on the planet (two kids i'd keep for myself if i could). maybe cause i'm exhausted and my mind wanders when i'm tired. maybe cause it's spring and new life seems to be everywhere. i can't pinpoint it, but i just can't seem to get babies off my mind today. it's excruciating. i feel like i've been walking around with this dark cloud hanging over my head for months now. it started out as just a little shadow but these days it feels more like a threatening storm cloud. a constant reminder of the pain and the unknown. it's a constant battle of faith. i vacillate between anger and deep deep sadness. i feel so much guilt. guilt for not trusting god to be bigger than all this. guilt that my body is broken and cannot perform the role it was designed to fill. i am angry that this is even part of my story. i'm angry that nothing seems to be changing. i'm angry that i seem powerless to do anything to make this better. i weep with sorrow over what might be our forever story. my heart aches for the child that my womb will not produce. i don't want this burden anymore. 

i subscribe to this great little daily devotional series called sarah's laughter. sarah was one of the most famous women in the bible to struggle with infertility. when she was told by an angel that she would conceive, she laughed. she couldn't believe it. after years of longing and trying and pain and sorrow, she would finally realize her desire for a family. i totally get where she's coming from. at this point, it seems silly to hope. i've not even had the signs of fertility to make me think anything will be different any time soon. but she had faith and god answered her prayers. that's what i'm clinging to. i know that believing on god to heal my body doesn't necessarily mean that he will. i will be a mom someday but it might not be that i will ever be pregnant. but i know god is able to heal me if it is his will. the devotional a few days ago was of particular encouragement to me. the scripture referenced was psalm 68:19, 'blessed be the lord, who daily bears our burden.' simple as that. not only can god heal me, but he will help me shoulder this to the end, whatever the end looks like. that doesn't mean there won't be pain. cause there is certainly pain. but i'm not doing it alone. and that is what i hold true to today. and every day that it's just hard.